Habits

::disclaimer: this is basically a stream of consciousness on a topic on my mind that will probably be unorganized and confusing, but bare with me, at least I'm trying to write again::

Habits. One of the weirdest things about us as humans. All of the little habits we create and drop all of the time. 

There are the habits that we try so hard to pick up, also known as the new years resolution or self improvement ideas. Where we say "I'm going to get in the habit of working out more often" or "I swear this is the year I cut down on sugar." Yes, I realize those are both health related but you get my point. The ones we want. The ones we strive for. But still for some reason, the ones we struggle with the most. Trying so hard to be the person we want to be or think we should be. I know I struggle with this more than anything and it sucks. It always seems like such simple things, but doesn't stick. If I can get in the habit of checking social media everyday why is it still so hard for me to check on my blog even once a month? I want it. I know I do. It's always been a dream to have a blog and be creative in that outlet so why do I struggle so much? 

And It's always the bad habits that are the easiest to pick up and hardest to drop. The ones we secretly hate ourselves for and keep saying we are working on and are going to change. You know it's bad when you check Instagram ten times in a day. Sometimes in such a short time span that there are maybe one or two new photos. There is no denying we have all done it. Or that horrible invention out there on the internet called Netflix or even YouTube. We shame spiral down that road late at night watching episode after episode, video after video. We know it's a waste of our time but we love it and it's easy. I do it all of the time and then think of all of the other things I could have been doing in that five hour period I was awake enough to watch the screen. To be honest I will probably end up doing that after writing this blog post. It's terrible, but so hard to stop.

Then there are the everyday almost second nature habits. The drive you've made so many times that you can drive it without even thinking about what turns you have to make or what the street names are. You could do it with you eyes closed if there was no one else on the road kind of thing. Routines you get into every time you're in a certain place. Where you sit in a class room, even if you were never told to sit there, you always go to the same spot out of habit. For me every time I go to Disneyland I always seem to walk the same route just because it's become such a habit. We find a sense of comfort in these habits. It is the normal and the safe. 

The habits that led me to writing this post are the strangest of all of these habits. The habits that go away. They were always there and then they just vanished. And even in this group they vary enormously. Silly little things like the shoes you would wear almost everyday and then you suddenly stop wearing them and move on to another shoe and don't even realize it. The toothpaste you used to always buy and then there is a sudden switch and you probably don't even notice till months later. I know that sounds like the most ridiculous thing and it could be just me, but it's just so odd to me. The person you used to talk to  everyday and then you just don't anymore and carry on with your life. That good morning text you were in such a habit of sending every day and then it stops and you almost forget what it was like to do that. They find a way to just go away and leave no trace of being there before until you really look back.

I have no idea what I actually just wrote out and don't think I'm going to read back over it. It may be nonsense but still the nonsense that is on my mind. Just thinking about the changing of habits tonight I guess. Thanks for suffering through that with me.

Julia Carrington